19 Comments

Holly,

Your words made a beeline straight to my heart this morning. I could actually say they made my heart ache, but not that I would change reading a single word. One doesn't need to have a child in rehab to be able to relate to your feelings/thoughts/misgivings/doubts about parenting. My children are 31 and 33 and I can still obsess about their hurdles. Becoming a parent is likely one of the most vulnerable things we can do in life, also one of the most rewarding. I'm happy that you are sharing your journey for others; but what I love most is that you are creating this supportive space for you and your son. That he is willing to share his journey says a great deal about him, and you. Keep up the great work! 💕

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This is fantastic and so moving. Repentance without regret is an amazing concept--and so critical because coming to terms with past and then sharing it with others is maybe the thing that will help another addict or alcoholic to find their way out. Your son is lucky to have a rule-breaking, bad-ass Mom!

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Life teaches us wisdom and gives us perspective, which you've captured here.

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Thank you for sharing this very personal account with us, Holly, i was really moved.

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A lot to think about in this piece. I think it will take me a few days to completely digest everything - especially some of the emotions it brought up in me. I don't have any children, so I can't relate to this piece from a mother's perspective. But I am (or was) a child not so dissimilar to your son Jonah. My addictions were perhaps different...my self-absorbed actions earlier in life were also perhaps a bit different. But both were destructive in their own way...and I never really looked at from my mother's perspective. I know I was difficult. I know I caused my parents a lot of distress...I just never thought about all the emotions and thoughts that perhaps went through their mind. So thanks for revealing a parent's perspective...

Regret is a strange emotion. I know I have always said, "the one thing I don't want to feel at the end of my life is regret." As I grow older, I am realizing regret is something I will never be able to avoid. Have I learned from my past regressions? Absolutely...so perhaps the fear of regret led to some sort of learning, growth, recognition... Now I think, regret - like death - is inevitable. The question for me is...how will I react when regret flows into my life?

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Definitely feel that parental struggle wondering if I could have done/not done something differently to change the outcome. ♥️

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Sep 4, 2022Liked by Holly Rabalais

I love that your son gave you permission to write about him. That tells me a LOT.

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Holly, your posts are so thoughtful, so human, so real. I really enjoy your writing. Jonah is, and you are - and you AND Jonah are - on a journey, on journeyS, and it's wonderful to read your thoughts on how you both got to where you are. You're doing a marvellous job. And goodness me, so is he.

I love what you said here: "I wouldn’t pick another page in this choose-your-own-adventure experience because those mistakes are part of my essence now. And I rather like who I’ve become."

Everything we've ever been through, any of us, is what makes us the people we are today. And the things we haven't gone through, too, they're important in the way that the lack of them may shape us.

For instance, I'm not a mother. That's okay. I love mothers. Mothers are AWESOME. I have a wonderful, wonderful one. I've just had a long chat on the phone with her just now, actually. And if I'd had any choice in the parents I had I would still have chosen THEM. xxx

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You might be a "rule breaker," but your son is lucky to have you as he works through his recovery. It sounds like he is well on his way, and I'm cheering for him from up here.

P.S. IMO, knowing when to lift the proverbial yellow tape and when to stay on the right side is a critical life skill.

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I can't imagine what it's been like for both of you. He's lucky to have you in his life and I hope he knows this, Holly.

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