I wrote an essay about our parents being human and realizing, after a monumental conversation with my mother, that who I knew her to be was someone deeply affected by trauma. Might be time for a followup, but I will say that I finally understood what it meant to heal. It was wonderful.
On my own account, one of the first parental principles I developed is remembering that my child is their own person and not an extension of me. It has helped me accept and mother the child I have and not the one I want.
Great topic and thanks for the recommended essay from Amran.
Wow, I really need to read The Book of Eulogies. I remember as a shy, introverted 15 year old, writing a eulogy when my grandma died and reading it at the funeral service. Afterwards, extended family and friends of my grandma came up to me to tell me how moving my eulogy was -- and then proceeded to ask if I would write their eulogies when they died. I appreciated the compliment on my writing, but it took me back, the cluelessness to think I could write something as moving for someone I wasn't deeply connected to. As I've gotten older and tapped into my empathic self, I've come to realize I probably could write moving eulogies for people I don't know well or at all.
As someone working on the theme of ageing and transitioning into life's 3rd and 4th Quarters, i think there would be a huge market for this sort of service Steve - and the conversations/ interviews that would be needed to do it well. Some families are incredibly challenged by the end of life conversations that are desperately needed and often desired by people at the end of their lives. I also think, having now just done this for my mom, it's a lot better if the eulogy (called something else) can be written and delivered before people die!
You're definitely onto something, Avivah! When I wrote my uncle's eulogy, I spoke with other family members--his siblings, his children, nieces, nephews--to understand what his life meant to others, not just to me. I think a 3rd party could certainly could have written a more even account.
A few years ago I heard of a young woman who had started a service somewhere in Louisiana. Families would hire her to interview their aging loved one to capture their stories and curate them into published form. Perhaps something like that but a step further.
Steve--I think there's a great business idea here! :)
Well, I am looking at a career change, so perhaps this is the one! As a video producer for 30 plus years, I had always thought about doing a video version of the book idea you mention above. Putting together a video tribute with interviews and photographs and archival video clips. But then I realized only the wealthy could afford to do that, so dropped that idea. But the eulogy services can be for everyone. I'm gonna truly consider this.
It truly is a great book, and I definitely recommend getting a copy. I was once asked to sing at a family member's funeral...and have never been asked again. :) Last year I was asked to write and read a eulogy for my uncle. The writing was easy. The reading was one of the most difficult things I've ever done. I think it would have been much easier had it been someone I wasn't so close to.
There's so much to say about this subject. Forgiving our parents is perhaps one of our most important lessons/tasks in this life. And you are correct, it's hard to write about it when our parents are still alive, which is why I waited, ha! Forgiving my mom was one of the most freeing experiences of my life, and likely what has taught me to be more forgiving of myself. 💟
interestingly, i think my mother was almost too good - i had to leave and individuate not to be totally in her shadow... am afraid i may be doing something similar to my own daughter. Thanks for the link and kind comments Holly.
I think most of us judge our parents a bit too harshly when we're young. I know that I certainly did...until I got older and realized just all they went through with life and trying to make a house a home. My wife and I don't even have kids and we sometimes feel overwhelmed. I can only imagine how worse it would be if there were kids in the mix. Parents (most of them, anyway) deserve all the respect in the world. None of us would be here without them.
I agree, Mark! Even though there are things I wish my parents had done differently, I appreciate their effort. Kids come with zero handbooks. Looking back, I can't believe they let me leave the hospital with a baby. Heck, I could hardly care for MYSELF, much less another human. But you know, I figured it out and became a better person because of it.
Having said all that, I'm glad I had my kids when I was younger (even though I had less wisdom then). I don't think I would have the energy for it in my 40s!
I wrote an essay about our parents being human and realizing, after a monumental conversation with my mother, that who I knew her to be was someone deeply affected by trauma. Might be time for a followup, but I will say that I finally understood what it meant to heal. It was wonderful.
On my own account, one of the first parental principles I developed is remembering that my child is their own person and not an extension of me. It has helped me accept and mother the child I have and not the one I want.
Great topic and thanks for the recommended essay from Amran.
It is a blessed moment, Chevanne, when we begin to know our parents as more than just our parents!
I think we're all just trying to do the best we can, and that often means trusting your gut & winging it.
Heck. Yes. Nothing to do but wing it!
Wow, I really need to read The Book of Eulogies. I remember as a shy, introverted 15 year old, writing a eulogy when my grandma died and reading it at the funeral service. Afterwards, extended family and friends of my grandma came up to me to tell me how moving my eulogy was -- and then proceeded to ask if I would write their eulogies when they died. I appreciated the compliment on my writing, but it took me back, the cluelessness to think I could write something as moving for someone I wasn't deeply connected to. As I've gotten older and tapped into my empathic self, I've come to realize I probably could write moving eulogies for people I don't know well or at all.
As someone working on the theme of ageing and transitioning into life's 3rd and 4th Quarters, i think there would be a huge market for this sort of service Steve - and the conversations/ interviews that would be needed to do it well. Some families are incredibly challenged by the end of life conversations that are desperately needed and often desired by people at the end of their lives. I also think, having now just done this for my mom, it's a lot better if the eulogy (called something else) can be written and delivered before people die!
You're definitely onto something, Avivah! When I wrote my uncle's eulogy, I spoke with other family members--his siblings, his children, nieces, nephews--to understand what his life meant to others, not just to me. I think a 3rd party could certainly could have written a more even account.
A few years ago I heard of a young woman who had started a service somewhere in Louisiana. Families would hire her to interview their aging loved one to capture their stories and curate them into published form. Perhaps something like that but a step further.
Steve--I think there's a great business idea here! :)
Well, I am looking at a career change, so perhaps this is the one! As a video producer for 30 plus years, I had always thought about doing a video version of the book idea you mention above. Putting together a video tribute with interviews and photographs and archival video clips. But then I realized only the wealthy could afford to do that, so dropped that idea. But the eulogy services can be for everyone. I'm gonna truly consider this.
How awesome!
It truly is a great book, and I definitely recommend getting a copy. I was once asked to sing at a family member's funeral...and have never been asked again. :) Last year I was asked to write and read a eulogy for my uncle. The writing was easy. The reading was one of the most difficult things I've ever done. I think it would have been much easier had it been someone I wasn't so close to.
There's so much to say about this subject. Forgiving our parents is perhaps one of our most important lessons/tasks in this life. And you are correct, it's hard to write about it when our parents are still alive, which is why I waited, ha! Forgiving my mom was one of the most freeing experiences of my life, and likely what has taught me to be more forgiving of myself. 💟
I sent you an email, I hope I sent it to the right email address :)
Yes! I found it! A reply forthcoming now that I've made it to the weekend. :)
interestingly, i think my mother was almost too good - i had to leave and individuate not to be totally in her shadow... am afraid i may be doing something similar to my own daughter. Thanks for the link and kind comments Holly.
Just do your best, and everything will work out. Thinking of you today. Grief is a friend that sticks around for a long time.
so i've heard...
I think most of us judge our parents a bit too harshly when we're young. I know that I certainly did...until I got older and realized just all they went through with life and trying to make a house a home. My wife and I don't even have kids and we sometimes feel overwhelmed. I can only imagine how worse it would be if there were kids in the mix. Parents (most of them, anyway) deserve all the respect in the world. None of us would be here without them.
I agree, Mark! Even though there are things I wish my parents had done differently, I appreciate their effort. Kids come with zero handbooks. Looking back, I can't believe they let me leave the hospital with a baby. Heck, I could hardly care for MYSELF, much less another human. But you know, I figured it out and became a better person because of it.
Having said all that, I'm glad I had my kids when I was younger (even though I had less wisdom then). I don't think I would have the energy for it in my 40s!